There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
