You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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