you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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