Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
