I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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