so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
