Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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