Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
