I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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