My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
