What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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