Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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