i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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