we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
