you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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