My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
