She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
