My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
