before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
