In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You ruined the universe
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize