This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
