u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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