The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am available for nakedness
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
