So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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