Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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