he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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