I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
