I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
