omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
