can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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