You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
