there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
