Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
