I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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