How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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