You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
