Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
