I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I look better un-naked...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
