I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
