Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
