We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
