I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I understand Curling. That high.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize