I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We're using joints as your birthday candles
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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