If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
there is glitter all over my balls
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