I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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