i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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