From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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