she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
