I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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