respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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