Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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