sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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