Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
