After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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